He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
