Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
