you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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