There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
