Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
