I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We had to coat check the pizza.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
