The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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