If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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