Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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