her vagine was all disorganized.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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