My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
