I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
