Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
