Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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