I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
