when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
