i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I love you.
Bad choice
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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