my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
