Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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