dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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