What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How does one acquire holy water?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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