I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
