chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
