I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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