We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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