we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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