mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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