i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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