Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
