It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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