I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
