I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
