I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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