the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
