the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
