her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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