i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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