ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
