we have pet lesbian snakes
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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