I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
