took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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