Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
