after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
