i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
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I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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