My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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