This is not my ceiling
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
