I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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