Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
