I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
