I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
