took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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