you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
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woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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