Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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