This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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