you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
